Jokesmania
Outdoor Barbequeing Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing - It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do: When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. a.. The woman goes to the store. b.. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. c.. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer. d.. The man places the meat on the grill. e.. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. f.. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. g.. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. h.. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. i.. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. j.. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her somewhat annoyed reaction, the man concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Okay, some burnette jokes! One day, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunnette was out on a boat. The boat started to burn and they couldn't get the fire to go out. They decided to jump out of the boat and try to swim to safety. The redhead jumped out, swam half way and drown. The blonde jumped out, swam half way, and drown. The brunnette jumped out, swam half way, got tired, and swam back to the boat. Who makes up blonde jokes? Brunettes on Saturday night with nothing else to do. Why is it really stupid for brunettes to tell dumb blonde jokes? Because 85% of brunettes have blonde hair! What do u call a good lookin man with a brunette? A hostage! Whats a brunettes mateing call??? Are the blondes gone yet?
These are really stupid (for all the stupid people, hee hee hee)!!!! What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day this guy, who's been stranded on all alone on a desert island for 10 years, is sitting out on the beach when a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear suddenly emerges from the surf. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She unzips a waterproof pocket and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Oh, that's good!" Then the woman asks, "How long has it been sice you've had a drink?" Trembling, the man says, "Ten long years!" The woman unzips her water proff pocket on her left sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. The man takes a long swig and says, "Man, that's sweet!" The woman then starts slowley unzipping the fromt of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been sice you've played around?" The man, whith tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet mother of God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What does a leprechaun, a lochness monster, a bigfoot,and a smart blonde have in common? None of them really exist! (Okay, I had to sneak in a blonde joke) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was two men going golfing. One man pulled out his pipe and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that"? The second man said "from my genie". The first man said "where is it at"? The second man said in my golf bag. The man pulls it out and rubs it. The genie appears and says what do you wish? He says a million bucks and the genie goes back inside. A million ducks fly overhead. He said I didn't ask for a million ducks. The man said his genie has bad hearing. He said "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch bic? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once there were three stupid blondes walking down the street. They came upon a big huge piece of chewing gum. The first blonde picked it up and said oh my I love chewing gum. So she ate it. And while she was chewing it popped out of her mouth and started talking. Hey it said if you return me from where you found me I will give you each one wish. Ok they all agreed. So they returned it. Now if you want your wishes than go jump off the Golden Gate Bridge while you are wishing your wish. Okey dokey somkey they all said and went over to the bridge. The first one jumped off wishing that she could grant wishes so she turned into a big piece of chewing gum and fell into the water with a splat. The second one jumped off and wished that she was a big fat elephant so she fell into the water swimming away but she did not make it very far because someone saw her and put her in the zoo. The third one jumped off saying man is this ever fun so she hit the water as a man having fun. Figure it out yourself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This lady was cheating on her husband and everyday, when he left for work, she invited two guys over. Well, he came home early one day and the lady hid one of the guys under the bed and one in the bathroom. She forgot about the guys and 11 years later remembered about them. She checked under the bed and found a skeleton. She checked in the bathroom and found nothing. She opened up the toilet seat to use the bathroom and saw a face. She said to the guy, "How did you survive down there?" He replied, "I've been living off those snickers bars and lemonade you've been putting in here." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day this guy really wanted to commit suicide. He got to the end of the cliff that he was planning on jumping off of. He really wanted to die. So he decided he would take poisen just in case. Then after that he decided right before he jumped off the cliff he would light himself on fire. Then he decided to tie a rope to a rock and jump off the cliff, lit up. That wasn't enough. So he got his gun so when he jumped off the cliff he could, jump, get chocked, shoot himself, and be poisoned. Okay so the day came when it was time to jump off the cliff. HE went to the end of the cliff and he jumped. HE got the gun and shot it, but missed and hit the rope. THe rope broke. Then the fire went out because of the wind from falling off the cliff, and when he hit the water benith him, he threw-up the poisen. Later the cops found him and he died in the Hospital of hypo-thermia. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two old ladies were walking down a country road one day, looking for some entertainment for their church bazaar. All of a sudden, they saw a man yelling and doing backflips and spinning. They ran up to the door of the house and rang the doorbell. When someone answered the door, they asked if the man in the field would be interested in performing for the church bazaar. The man thought about it for a second, then called out to the man in the field, "Hey Lenny, these ladies want to know if you want to cut off your other toe for their church bazaar" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy is walking when his freind asks how did you get the balck eye he says I was sitting in church and the lady in front of me stood up and her dress was caught between her ass so i pulled it out and she hit me. The next day same guy was walking freind asks how did you get the other black eye he says I was in church and the same lady was in front of me she stood up and her dress was between her legs again so the guy next to her pulls it out I knew she wouldn't like it that way so i tucked it back in. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3 guys are walking on the road. Their names are Nothing, Crazy and Nobody. As they were crossing on a bridge, Nobody leaned over and fell in the water. Nothing alerts Crazy, "Quick call 911!" Crazy arrives at a phone and dials 911. In a frantic he shouts "Hello! I'm Crazy, im calling for nothing and nobody fell in the water!!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a man and he walked into a bar and hit his head. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this meansbut, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings themback, and goes to bed." Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "They're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn.""
This is from my worst jokes collection.......
One Liners What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why are men and parking spaces alike? Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. What have men and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good looking Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. How do you know when you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex too. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings most likely. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas? Everyone has the same DNA. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Tampons and Cigarettes A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!
2 Jokes Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses etc. They were dressed in their new garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. When she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning Father,good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually,"Good morning Father, good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said,"Just a minute young lady. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?" "Father, it's me, Sister Veronica
Taste Test A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave each of the children a Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor and what is the color of the Lifesaver?". The children began to say, "Red.... cherry, yellow....lemon, green....lime, orange....orange." Finally, he gave them all honey flavor Lifesaver. The children sucked on them for a while, but couldn't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It is what your mother would call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Hey everybody, spit it out, spit it out, they're assholes!!"
Every Woman EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE: One old love she can imagine going back to...and one who reminds her how far she has come. Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to and needs to. Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour. A youth she's content to leave behind...and a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age. The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. One friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family. Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded. A feeling of control over her destiny. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW: How to fall in love without losing herself. How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. When to try harder...and when to walk away. How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend. How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it. That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents. That her childhood may not have been perfect but its over. What she would and wouldn't do for love or more. How to live alone...even if she doesn't like it. Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally. Where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing. What she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year.
Heredity Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage the best way she could."
These would make some great OER bullets, don't you think? Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few Cokes short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his corn-flakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had a another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.