MERRY CHRISTMAS!

At The Pearly Gates.....
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a holy candle, he said. You may pass through
the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells" Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

What are these, Saint Peter asked.

The man replied, "They're Carols"

The President has authorized the Department of Defense to assist 
Santa With
the Twelve Days of Christmas.  Status of acquisitions follows: 
Day 1- Partridge in a pear tree:  The Army and Air Force are in the Process
of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under.  Since the
partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The
Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of
responsibility.  After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDeps Tank
sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this
joint program.

Day 2 - Two turtledoves:  Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims
responsibility.  However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps
team feels it should take the lead.  Initial studies have shown that Turtles
and doves may have interoperability problems.  Terms of refererence are
being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.

Day 3 - Three French Hens:  At State Department instigation, the Senate
Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, From
the French or anyone else.  A $6M program is being developed to find an
acceptable domestic alternative.

Day 4 - Four Calling Birds:  Source selection has been completed, with The
contract awarded to AT&T.  However, the award is being challenged by a
Small disadvantaged business.

Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating.
A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.

Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying:  The six geese have been acquired.  However, The
shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile.  It might have been a Mistake
to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at former Air Force
base that was closed under BRAC.

Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming:  Fourteen swans have been killed trying to
get through the Navy SEAL training program.  The program has been put on
hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout
rate is so high.

Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking:  The entire class of maids a milking training
program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the
Army.  The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.

Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing:  Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been
halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members
claim they  have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as
they're off duty.

Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping:  The ten lords have been abducted by
terrorists.  Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue
operation.  Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a
"NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.

Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping:  The pipe contractor delivered the pipes On
time.  However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes.  DoD lost the claim Due
to defective specifications.  A $22M dollar retrofit program is in Process
to bring the pipes into spec.

Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming:  Due to cutbacks only six billets are
available for drumming drummers.  DoD is in the process of coordinating an
RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds
will not be available until FY 05.

As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a High
OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support Current
readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.

Groaner.......
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the 
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. 
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 

"But why?," they asked, as they moved off. 

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 

THE PICKLE SLICER
Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very 
powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided 
to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spent a few 
months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's 
desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way 
to get over it was to do it.

Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife Sarah was very worried
and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time 
the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. 

He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got 
fired as a result.

Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see 
his penis perfectly normal and intact. 

She looked back up and said "I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle 
slicer."?

He said, "I think she got fired too."


FOUR JEWISH BROTHERS 
Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors, Hedge Fund
operators and prospered.
Some years later, chatting after a Chanukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house," 
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah
and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite
the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to
pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have
to clean the whole house. Thanks so much.
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi.  A million thanks."
"Menachim, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people,
but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind.
Thanks anyway.
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. "The chicken was delicious."

Dear Friends,  
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and 
since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave 
under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days 
of Christmas, but we had a little problem. 
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 
10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids-a-milking, 
and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans 
a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves 
and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird crap. 
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are 
in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read 
a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. 
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things 
you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone. 

Sincerely, 
Santa Claus 

Flasher
  Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were sitting on a park 
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the 
park.  The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and 
opened his trench coat. 

  Gertrude immediately had a stroke.  Then Maude also had a stroke.  But 
Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. 

 THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! 
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to 
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a 
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped 
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in 
the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde". 

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next  morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the 
following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde  would do this to another!" 

Cough Medicine
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?" The clerk says "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire
bottle of laxative." The owner says "You idiot!! You can't treat a cough
with a bottle of laxatives!" And the clerk says "Of course you can! Look
at him; he's afraid to cough!"

Santa...
A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a
robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. 
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. 
He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, 
says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." 
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to 
the children, you know." 
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an 
even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..." 
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta 
get the presents to the children, you know." 
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." 
Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta 
get the presents to the children, you know." 
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." 
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, 
Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"
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